5 Tips for Getting Along with Difficult People

Do these folks sound familiar to you? The names may be different but you are probably able to put a face with each of these names. These people are in every school building across America, and how you deal with them says a lot about your character and patience.  Is it just me or does it seem that these people are drawn to the school counselor’s office? Let’s take a little of our own advice and remember that we can only control ourselves and how we respond to others.  Go ahead and get that control wheel out if you need to. Here are 5 tips for getting along with difficult people.

Overbearing Bryan – He’s loud, obnoxious and controls all meetings
Quicksand Sally – She is soooo needy and you feel like she is dragging you down.
Drama Debbie – Everything is a code red emergency.
Apathy Admin. Amy – She’s the administrator who lacks vision and still calls you the guidance counselor.
Therapist Teacher Tammy – No she doesn’t have a therapy degree but she thinks she does.

1.  Be the Thermostat not the Thermometer

As a school counselor you are a leader. Don’t take our word for it! Ask ASCA.  No matter what the atmosphere is around you (e.g., an angry parent, administrator, student, or teacher) be the thermostat and not the thermometer.  A thermometer rises and falls based on the atmosphere.  A thermostat, on the other hand, has the power to set the tone in the room.  

Remember we are the ones who are teaching others how to keep control of their emotions so when the opportunity arises, model what you teach. Don’t allow your anger to get out of control.

Nothing can ruin your reputation quicker than getting, as we say, in your animal brain.  To quote one of my favorite poems, “If,” by Rudyard Kipling “If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you… You’ll be a man, my son.”

2.  When Getting Along with Difficult People: Remember It probably wasn’t Intentional

If you’ve ever heard us lovingly insult each other on our podcast, you know that we do not get our feelings hurt easily. I recently had an aha moment that happened when I was reading a statistic. The statistic said that a high percentage of the things that hurt our feelings aren’t intentional.  We often misinterpret others’ intent. thus intensifying the offense in our minds. To quote Indra Nooyi, “Whatever anybody says or does, assume positive intent.” You will be amazed at how your whole approach to a person or problem becomes very different. When you assume negative intent, you’re already angry. If you replace that anger with positive intent, prepare for your blood pressure to regulate and stay there!  (For the record, we both have incredibly low blood pressures.  Like, we’re practically dead.)  

Remember “paranoia will destroy ya”.  For instance, imagine you were left out of an email.  You can mull this over in your mind and form all kinds of theories that are probably not true. Instead, bring it up to the person and be willing to take their explanation as the truth. Another option is… you can just (insert Idina Menzel voice from Frozen ) LET IT GO.   

Something we’ve observed is that people who are difficult to get along with often walk around with their feelings hurt.  You know the type- the person who is brooding, slamming doors, and cutting their eyes once again.  You have no idea how or why their feelings are hurt, but they’re going to make sure you pay!  And have you ever noticed that these highly sensitive people can also be the ones who won’t think twice about running you over with a proverbial John Deere lawn mower?  Go figure!

3.  Remember Everybody Has a Story

Keep in mind that everybody has a story.  I firmly believe that there is never an excuse for rudeness but just remembering that we don’t really know what someone is going through (or has gone through) helps me have a little grace and mercy –  if everybody could wear a button that has their story on it, then I think we would have a little bit more grace and compassion on people around us because we’d understand.

4. Getting Along with Difficult People: H.A.L.T.

 We know that we’re all collectively tired of hearing the phrase “self-care,” but we firmly believe it can go a long way in helping us deal with difficult people ( and possibly keep us from being the difficult person). We feel emotions more intensely when we are hurt, angry, lonely, or tired.  If we are any of these things we are going to misinterpret what people say and how they say it. A lot of people think that the school counselor is the person they feel that they can complain to. People just need somebody to vent to and sometimes we’re that person.   So take care of yourself because we take on a lot of other people’s feelings. Here’s a recent post we wrote about how to help when you’re hurting.

5.   You Can’t Fix Everybody

We have been talking about difficult people. Let’s talk about the next level: toxic people. 

From time to time you may have to deal with a truly toxic person.  This person can not control emotions, thrives on escalating situations, and is intentionally mean and hurtful.  What can you do?   If you are unfortunate enough to work with a truly toxic person, put on your professional hat and do not get sucked into the drama.  Maintain your part and do your job.  Unfortunately this person is like a poison that penetrates everything. Realize that you didn’t cause this toxicity and you can not fix it.