‘Tis the Season for Relational Aggression!

Why a Focus on Relational Aggression is Important

Ahhh, spring is in the air! Flowers are blooming. Birds are singing. And… girls are arguing? What is it about this time of year that leads to more relational aggression among girls? In this post we want to explain why relational aggression is important, how to deal with it, and how to prevent it.

When I was younger I had a few experiences with girl drama. I was on the receiving end, unfortunately. These relational aggression memories are some of my most vivd from elementary school. The difference between then and now is that it pretty much ended each day at 3:00. Well, with the exception of that one time my friend, Michelle, called me on a 3-way call trying to bait me into talking about the silent party on the other end. I didn’t take the bait, if you were wondering. But enough about me!

As I mentioned before I took that journey down memory lane with my own personal history of relational aggression, these days it doesn’t stop at 3:00. With cell phones and social media, girl drama can now continue around the clock. That’s especially scary, and the emphasis on laws such as the Jason Flatt Act and the Jamari T. Williams Act indicate the importance of dealing with this relational aggression as soon as we become aware of it.

We have noticed that girl drama begins, on average, around second grade. It’s heartbreaking really, to watch the carefree kindergarten and first grade students transform into second graders who become aware of friendship pitfalls at such a young age. As the mom of a first grade girl I’m holding my breath, dreading this almost inevitable relational aggression.

Relational Aggression Solution #1: Small Groups

Small groups are our go-to for solving various problems among our students. There’s just something about getting a group of students together. It’s amazing to watch the group bond, create memories, and share laughs. Small groups are incredible! Last year we implemented this “Cleaning Up Our Friendships” small group. The goal of the small group was to make the girls aware that maybe they had been bullies to their friends. The results were amazing! Friendships were mended, and I have to say the relational aggression among several groups of girls really lessened.

Why This Small Group Works

We have broken this small group down into 6 parts in order to address some of the main components of relational aggression. The first week they will take a pre-test because how can we measure a group’s success without baseline data, right?! Students will also sign the small group pledge stating that they will keep members’ information confidential, participate in the group discussions, etc. Then we dive into a lesson on conditional friendships. The girls start to become aware of times that they have experienced people saying, “I’ll be your friend if…” or “I won’t be your friend unless you….” This lesson has been an eye-opener as group members hear the experiences of their peers and fellow group participants. It’s almost like you can see them begin to awaken to times that they have put conditions on friendships.

The next week we talk about ignoring our friends. We address “the silent treatment.” Not to air my dirty laundry again, but this was the favorite method of torture among the girls in my own fourth grade class when I was growing up. I’m breaking out into a cold sweat just thinking about it!

The next week’s lesson talks about the danger and the hurt behind the statement, “Just kidding!” We address how some people make a very hurtful statement and then try to sweep it away by saying they are kidding. The hurt is still very real!

We also talk about gossip during this small group. We discuss how gossip spreads, and how harmful it is to the parties involved. Gossip spreads whether it’s true or not. Some of the girls I’ve worked with over the years believe that it’s ok to participate in gossip if the topic is true. During my small group meetings we talk about why a true rumor may or may not be hurtful. It’s an eye-opener!

Finally, we discuss the reality that no friendship is perfect. There will be days when we need a break from even our closest friends, right? Some days we can be 100% honest when we say, “it’s not you, it’s me.”

Relational Aggression Solution #2: Bibliotherapy

Relational Aggression Solution #3: Take Action

In situations like this we live by the phrase, “Do your due diligence.” Have you reported the relational aggression to your administrator? Have you notified the parents of the relational aggression if it’s necessary? Many school systems are using harassment forms to document instances of relational aggression. This is a discussion you might want to have with your administrator. What should be on the form? Where should the forms be kept? What will the process of the forms be?

We wish this would stop relational aggression altogether. Unfortunately, it seems like relational aggression is just as likely to show up as the seasons are to change. We want to know your best advice on dealing with relational aggression. Drop your ideas in the comments below!