Grieving the School Year

Check out our related podcast on this topic!

My Dear Educator Friend,
Those emotions you’re feeling? They could be grief. Raise your hand if you’ve felt any of these emotions over the past few weeks: shock, confusion, anger, guilt, sadness, helplessness. Keep reading as we explain why you’re grieving the school year and give you 5 tips to work through your grief.

The night our state announced that schools would not be reopening, my social media feed was flooded with post after post from educators saying the same things, “I am broken-hearted,” “I can’t believe I won’t get another hug from my kids,” or “I thought I’d have more time.” These comments resonate with anyone who has grieved a significant loss before. Don’t we all wish for one more hug and more time with our lost loved ones? You spent your summer anticipating what this year would hold. You made plans. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

Facing Reality

Teachers have certainly exceeded their job expectations as they have personified growth mindset. If you’re an educator, you most likely scrambled to learn how to incorporate Zoom, Google Hangouts, and other online tools in your everyday instruction almost overnight! Those first few days felt like we were flying a plane while building it. We adjusted our lesson plans while trying to meet basic needs like breakfast and lunch. This frantic adjustment felt like a whirlwind, but it gave us purpose during those first few days. Now as more and more schools are announcing that students will not be returning to the classrooms, reality has set in. Educators are left feeling various emotions, many of which are related to the grieving process. Grief is like the bag that holds a lot of other emotions or actions. The Kulber-Ross model of grief explains many of these emotions or actions.

Denial

Denial includes shock, confusion, and fear. This sudden change came from out of nowhere! No death is easy; however, sometimes you are able to mentally prepare for it. The abrupt ending of school may have left you in disbelief. I talked with a Kindergarten teacher this week who said that each day since our state’s announcement of school closing has brought a different layer of grief. She has had a new realization each day: no spring picnic, no field day, no end of the year awards ceremony or slide show, and of course no more hugs. Most of the time with a death, we are able to gain closure through a memorial service or funeral. The isolation that we are required to practice makes it impossible to get that closure right now.

Tip #1: Realize that this year is different.

We get caught in this grief cycle because we are comparing this year to every year we have had before. If you can separate this year from the others, you might be able to appreciate this year as an opportunity. You really are on the frontlines of history. Help your students realize that school has never been done this way before. Keep a journal of your daily activities, and encourage your students to do the same. Decades from now their children might ask them what the year 2020 was like. They will be able to give them a detailed account because YOU helped them see this as an opportunity rather than a classroom experience they missed out on.

Anger

Realizing the loss of these traditions and events has left many educators (and students) feeling robbed. Things changed and we didn’t even get to give our input! Feeling helpless about the outcome of a situation can lead to anger and frustration. It’s important to realize that feeling angry is normal and needed in order to fully grieve.

Tip #2: Turn Your Anger Into Productivity

Make some plans! Which of those missed experiences can you still do but in a different way? Can you tentatively plan field day for July? How about asking parents to submit pictures so you can finish your end of the year slide show? Can you take your students on a Facebook Live picnic? Make some plans that will help bring you and your students some closure.

Bargaining

Bargaining is a trap we can get caught in. It’s closely associated with guilt. I’ve heard so many educators say, “If I had known that would be the last time I’d get to see my students, I would have hugged them a little harder!”

Tip #3: Love on your students as if it’s the last time you’ll get to love on them

Who could have predicted our world changing as quickly as it has due to this pandemic? This sudden school closure came from out of the blue for many of us. Let this serve as a reminder that you never know if the last time you hug a student will be the last time you get to see that student. If you’ve been in education long, you may have experienced students being put in foster care in another school system without warning. You may have experienced a student leaving in the middle of the night with his/her family. And if you’ve experienced the death of a student, our heart breaks with you. Life can change in an instant. Make sure that your last interaction with each student is positive. Even your challenging students need to leave your room believing you love them.

Depression

This “stage” of grief might have been present throughout your entire grieving process. It’s the black cloud hanging over your head when you try to find joy. Intense sadness combined with our required isolation can be a bad combination.

Tip #4 : Make Connections

We are willing to bet a large fortune that you’re not alone in feeling sad and isolated. Logging on to your teleconferencing program and talking with a coworker could be helpful. Or schedule a Facebook live or Google Meet with your students. Connect with people. (Pssst.. if you’re a school counselor, we would love to have you in our Counselor Accents Group.)

Acceptance

Acceptance is when the dust settles, we survey the damage, and make a new plan. It’s the moment we realize we have to move on. Goodness, just saying that sounds painful! We recorded a podcast episode with Lauren Jewett, a special education teacher and BLTN Teachers Fellow. Lauren wrote this article about navigating Coronavirus as an educator with anxiety. We highly recommend reading it (and of course listening to our podcast interview with her).

In the article she talks about embracing dialectical thinking. This is realizing that you can feel two opposite things at one time. (For example, I love being at home with my children, and they are also jumping up and down on the last nerve I have. This may or may not be a true story). So it’s ok to be disappointed about the school year ending and excited about the online opportunities you’ve seen posted.

Tip #5: Move on, When You’re Ready

I feel like calling Guinness Book of World Records to see if we’ve set a record for the number of times we’ve watched Frozen 2 during this quarantine. That makes me an expert on what I’m about to say. Without giving away any spoilers, during one scene Anna is experiencing some grief. She sings a song about having to do “the next right thing.” Isn’t that the truth?? While grieving sometimes all we can do is the next right thing. If we haven’t said it already, “Give yourself time to grieve.” Then get up and do the next right thing. Maybe that’s scheduling a Google Hangout with your students. Maybe it’s putting a packet together for them. No pressure, but you are like a mom or dad to your students. A lot of them are looking to you for guidance right now.

Before we go, let’s address the fact that grief is sneaky. It can come from out of nowhere and surprise attack you. We just want you to be mentally prepared when/if you’re shopping the Target Dollar Spot this summer and you break down in tears over some of the missed experiences from this year. That’s ok.

We realize that this virus has caused actual deaths, and we certainly don’t mean to minimize the pain that those grieving families are feeling. Remember our section on dialectical thinking? It’s ok for those families to grieve, and for educators to grieve. This will pass. We will be forever changed, but it will pass. And I hope this year serves as a monument, or reminder, for decades to come that tomorrow is never guaranteed so love your students with everything you have each day. In other words, keep doing what you’ve been doing.